


I Can't Find My Way if I'm Alone

by romeoandjulietyouwish



Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [11]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, Protective Beauregard Lionett, Romance, Yasha Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Yasha is a Softie (Critical Role), but it's only mentioned, just some lesbians being soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28537767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeoandjulietyouwish/pseuds/romeoandjulietyouwish
Summary: After Beau dies in combat, Yasha has to confront her feelings about loss.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026874
Comments: 5
Kudos: 127





	I Can't Find My Way if I'm Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all this break is giving me so much time to write about what's happening right now and it is great! Also just putting some of my Yasha feelings to words. I hope you enjoy!

Yasha gently runs her finger through Beau’s hair, the ribbon that usually keeps her hair up is tied around her wrist. The monk’s head rests in her lap as she is fast asleep, curled up on her side. There’s still a little bit of dried blood in Beau’s eyebrow and on her cheek, but Yasha knows that there will be time to clean up later after Beau’s had a rest. 

The fight today had been hard, to say the least. They had all taken some pretty bad hits. Beau hadn’t been the only one to go down, but she had been the only one to die. It’s only thanks to Caduceus’s quick actions that they didn’t have to suffer through a much longer and more painful ritual to bring her back. 

Those few seconds that Beau was dead, were nearly unbearable to Yasha. At that moment all she had been able to think about was that she was close to being happy and healed. And it was all gone in a fraction of a second. If they hadn't been able to bring Beau back, it would have crushed her. There’s no telling who she would become after that. To lose her first love the way she did and then to have her second killed in front of her, knowing that if she would have been faster or braver or stronger then Beau would have lived…

Yasha can’t imagine the pain that would bring to her. 

But, Yasha takes a deep breath and looks down at the sleeping monk, that’s not what happened. Beau is alright. Everyone else is too. They’re safe and warm in their tower. But some part of Yasha still feels like she’s watching Beau fall to the ground, the last bit of air leaving her lungs as her blood is sprayed across the pristine white snow. She can still hear Beau’s pained shout ringing in her ears. 

“Yasha?” 

Yasha looks down to see Beau looking up at her with a furrowed brow. Beau’s skin is still so gaunt and she has dark circles under her eyes and dried blood on her face and a healing wound in her chest and-

Beau sits up, forcing Yasha’s hand to fall from her hair. “Hey,” Beau puts a gentle hand on her cheek, “are you alright?” 

Yasha shakes her off. “I’m fine.”

“Can you look in my eyes and say that?” Beau asks, her thumb gently moving across Yasha’s cheekbone. 

Yasha bites her lip as tears well in her eyes. It only takes a shake of her head for Beau to move into her lap and wrap her arms around Yasha. Yasha returns the hug quickly, wrapping her arms around Beau’s small form and hiding her head in the crook of Beau’s neck. She forces her breathing to stay even as she cries into Beau.

Part of Yasha’s brain tells her to sit up, stop crying. Beau died not even two hours ago. Yasha should be the one comforting her, not the other way around. Yasha doesn’t deserve to have Beauregard’s arms around her and her soft words in her ears. Yasha should have protected her better. 

But Beau tells her something completely different. “It’s okay.” One of Beau’s hands plays with the ends of her hair. “I’m alright. I’m right here. I’m okay.” All of the nervousness and awkwardness that is there when Beau talks to Yasha is gone at this moment. Beau sounds so sure of herself and calm that Yasha trusts her words completely and Beau softly repeats them in her ear. 

And Yasha knows to trust Beau more than herself.

Beau is safe. She’s alright.

Yasha tightens her arms around the monk and then immediately tries to pull back, afraid that she hurt her. But Beau just shakes her head and pulls her back, “I’m okay. Hold me as tight as you need to. I’ll be okay.” 

With Beau’s permission, Yasha does, being sure to hold back just enough so she doesn’t crush her. Yasha squeezes her eyes shut and breathes. Beau stops murmuring to her and just holds her. After a few moments, Yasha feels something wet on the top of her head. She doesn’t have to look up to know that Beau is crying as well. She can feel the stuttering in Beau’s chest as she breathes through her tears. Yasha holds her just a little bit tighter.

The two of them sit here for a good while, Beau’s head resting on top of Yasha’s. It seems that they both needed the reassurance that the other is alright, that they’re safe. It’s Yasha who breaks the hug first. She lifts her head to look at Beau and when she sees the monk’s cheeks wet with tears, Yasha brings her hand tentatively up to her cheek to brush the tears away, encouraged when Beau leans into the touch. 

Beau puts her hand on the back of Yasha’s neck and pulls her close to press their foreheads together. Yasha takes Beau’s other hand between hers and gently runs her thumb over her knuckles. They just breathe together for a moment or two, calming down. After a few beats like that, Yasha presses a soft kiss to Beau’s lips. 

When they pull apart, Yasha asks, “How are you feeling?” 

Beau sighs and drags a hand over her hair, “Raw.” Yasha hums in understanding. Beau squeezes her hand. “I know it can't have been easy for you either. How are you doing?” 

Yasha shakes her head, “I didn’t die-”

“You watched me die,” Beau says. “And judging by this,” she gestures between them, “you’re not okay.” Beau puts her hand on Yasha’s cheek, “Hey. Talk to me.” 

Yasha looks down at Beau’s hand in hers and shakes her head slightly. “I...I should have protected you better.”

“There was nothing you could have done.” Beau assures her. “I was so far away from you, from everyone. There was nothing anyone could have done.” She gives Yasha a little smile. “I’m alright.” 

“You’re not.” Yasha lifts her finger to move aside the collar of Beau’s shirt enough to see the red wound on her chest. It’s healed over so looks a few weeks only rather than a few hours, but it’s still angry red.

“I’m healing. Give me a full night’s rest and I’ll be good as new.” Beau looks over Yasha’s face for a moment and frowns. “There’s something else, isn't’ there?” 

Yasha sighs, apparently Beau can read her better than she thought. “When you died, it felt like something tore inside of me. I...I don’t know what I would have done if you would have...died but based on those few seconds, it doesn’t look pretty.” Yasha quickly wipes away a tear as it escapes her eye. “I’m terrified of losing you because I’m terrified of what it will do to me.” 

Beau puts a hand on her cheek and leans in to kiss her softly. “I get it. The thought of losing you is awful. But,” she sighs, “neither of us can guarantee that we will make it through this. What we can do is promise to fight tooth and nail to get back to each other with all the ferocity and stretch we have.” Beau looks Yasha dead in the eyes. “As long as I am still breathing I swear I will do everything in my power to come back to you.” 

Yasha knows that there are tears on her cheeks and she must look a mess, but she can’t stop herself from kissing Beauregard in this moment. When she pulls back, she rests their foreheads together again. “I swear I will never stop trying to get back to you, no matter what happens, no matter where I am, no matter what I have to do.” 

Beau kisses her again and then quickly brings her into a tight hug. She feels Beau press an uncharacteristic kiss to her forehead just before they pull apart. 

“You should get some sleep,” Yasha says softly. She reaches up to tuck a bit of Beau’s hair behind her ear. 

“So should you.” 

“Okay.” 

Yasha lets Beau pull her down and draw the covers over both of them. Beau snuggles close to her so they share the same pillow, their faces inches apart. In the darkness of Beau’s room, Yasha watches Beauregard fall asleep. Only once Beau is fast asleep does Yasha allow herself to drift as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated and keep me writing!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish


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